Richard Hammond



For those readers who live in the UK, I'm sure you'll know what has happened to TopGear presenter Richard Hammond. He was involved in a crash whilst attempting to break the British Land-Speed record earlier on this month (September). Now he's in hospital making a good recovery. He's been visited by co-presenter Jeremy Clarkson, who commented on Hamster's driving and generally all is good. Finally, did you know it was James May who was meant to be in the driver's seat?

My pitiful attempt at being funny=
The Concise Spotter's Guide to Toffs, Tory Voters and other upperclass chaps:

PART TWO

Tory Voters:


Definition-
What is a Tory Voter? Simple, a person who votes for the British Conservative, or Tory party. These people come in all shapes and sizes but usually have something else in common. Tory voters are the most numerous members of "upperclass humans" in the UK.


Appearance-
Usually varied. They can be of European Descent, African Descent or Asian, event Polynesian Descent. They come in a multitude of races, shapes and sizes. However nearly all of them are smartly dressed and have an air of smugness about them.


Behaviour-
Most are usually quite smug and proud. Some even think that they're exempt from recieving parking tickets and then get a big shock when they do. Many even use up two parking spaces, even when their car hardly takes up one. Most are pretty decent chaps and will invite Labour and Liberal Democrat supporters to dinner at their place. However a disturbing number of them are really conservative and many support the barbaric act of Fox Hunting. A good deal are religious, namely Christian but you can find followers of other religions amongst the rest of the population.


Favourite TV Show(s)- They have no particular preference. Many like to watch party political broadcasts made by yours truly, the Conservatives.


Favourite Food/Drink- Varied, unlike Toffs there are a few vegetarians amongst them.


Favourite Book- Anything by Jeffery Archer or that denounces communism.


Pastimes- Complaining about left wing economic policies mostly.


Habitat- Medium sized 3-storey houses in suburban areas or well furnished flats. A few can be seen living in neatly furnished bungalows.

"Pluto is a planet whether you like or not, and I don't care what the bloody IAU says!"

My words exactly when I heard that the IAU, or International [CENSORED] Union as I now call them, demoted Pluto and gave it an asteroid designation number. Now surely these idiots must be stopped! Since 1930 Pluto has been an esteemed member of the planet club, and membership in that organisation is for life unless annihilation occurs. The IAU have no right to do what they did. I can imagine them getting a nasty letter (or 5 million) right now. But these creeps are obiviously not going to change their minds; so a systematic clearout of the Kuiper Belt seems necessary- anyone care to join me? ::Insert Scheming Look Here::

Celebraty Culture vs. Politics and other more important things: The Hideous Facts



We can't deny it, in Britain today, a good deal youths aged between 12 and 18 will be more interested in things like celebrities and other "nobodies who don't work for a living" than more important things, like voting in parliamentary elections or getting on with studying for university etc. That is indeed most disturbing, in fact if it spreads too much the only voters left with be supporters of the Conservative Party, or worse, the BNP! We need to kill it before it gets too far! We've already lost one voting generation and we can't let another to slip! In fact, if I had my way it'd be "You want money? INHERIT OR WORK FOR IT THEN!!!", preferably the latter in my opinion.

So, from my viewpoint the Communists had the right idea, if you want to feed yourself you have to work for it (I'm not neccesarily an advocate of the Communist Party though). Celebrities- all they do is kick a few balls, sing a few songs or just look good and get paid a bloody extortionate amount for it, gits! This should not be! For many their comfortable lifestyle isn't well earned and they quite franly, don't deserve it. Personally, I'd rather be remembered for something worthwhile like attempting to solve the world's energy problems or something.

As for actors and showmen, like Tom Baker or Freddy Mercury, they're quite entertaining and are so, in my opinion, putting something into society, even if it is small. They're exempt from my rant because I like them. However showoffs like David Beckham and Madonna, Karl Marx wants a word with you!

On why I hate Sundays: They are so god awfully miserable!


Sundays, you don't have to go to work or school on Sundays, but the day after (which is a Monday) you do. Bummer. So there's Friday, the last day of work and school, a day when you can stay up late and get yourself stone-drunk. Then there's Saturday, you can stay up late on this day too, and get stone-drunk too. Finally, Sunday, it's another off day but you can't do ANY of those things because of what you have to do the next day!

The overhang of such things makes Sundays utterly depressing, which is why I hate them. No one really likes to do the 9 to 5 five times a week do they?

The Tenth Post- Reasons to celebrate


So this is the tenth post of my blog. Any reason to celebrate? No. In fact it is pretty pointless and I am doing it because my life is pretty pointless too. Go figure.

To think, it take most people four years to learn how to read. It took me four months!

For when one has nothing to say at all whatsoever (In other words I've $"&&1$(££&& got writer's block)...




I'm sat here wondering what to write and, oh eh hum?
You see my problem? WHAT the heck do I write?!?!?! It's days like this when I should definately cut down on chocolate and caffine rich drinks. They addle up t4e bwyan. Well, it's either that or I have no imagination whatsoever. Or is it both? Never mind, hopefully I should think of something to write. Go figure...

My pitiful attempt at being funny=
The Concise Spotters' Guide to Toffs, Tory voters and other upperclass chaps:

PART ONE

Toffs:


Definition-
What is a toff? "Toff" is simply short for "Toffee nosed grossly overpaid snob". Toffs enjoy fox hunting, classic music and shooting poor defensless birds.


Appearance-
Adult male toffs usually consist of gentlemen of tall or short stature wearing usually beige tweed trousers, a white shirt, black tie, a beige tweed jacked and have a carnation in their top jacket pocket. Other variations will have the suit as blue. Adult male toffs also have a bald head with hair on the sides or back and a whopping great big handlebar moustache. Their hair colour is either grey or reddish brown. They wear a monacle.

The Adult females are usually slim or built up. They wear long silk dresses and carry a tiny handbag. They can be seen wearing a flower in their hair too. Their dresses can either be white, cream, gold or blue. When outside they wear fur coats, much to the chargrin of animal-rights charities. Their hair colour can vary, usually it's blond, black or grey.

Young toffs are VERY different from their parents. Young males aged 0- 7 are usually dressed in sailors suits. Young males aged 8- 21 are usually seen in tweed suits with boater hats. Young females aged 0- 7 are also usually dressed in sailor suits. Young females aged 8- 21 are usually seen in white dresses, wearing hats with fruit on them.


Behaviour-
Toffs are very aloof and austere. They always think that they're better than everyone else and won't admit mistakes. They're even mean to the local vicar! The kids are the worst but they often found themselves the target of liberals, chavs, anarchists, Greenpeace Activists, the RSPCA and communists. The same goes for the adults to a limited degree.

They like to listen to work of mozarts and play snooker. Toffs rarely vote mainly because they think that even the Conservative party's economic policies are right-wing enough. They are proud to be British and take a very bad attitude to foreign goods. Some toffs have been known NOT to inbreed.


Favourite TV Show(s)- They don't watch the TV. Instead they listen to either BBC Radio 3, 4 or Classic FM.


Favourite Food/Drink- Venison and red wine.


Favourite Book- War and Peace and the works of Charles Dickens and Shakespeare.


Pastimes- Hunting, shooting, socialising at the golf club or showing off their new Rolls Royces or Daimlers. Also they like to complain about taxes- they want them lowered, not abolished. Toffs are happiest when they're complaining about something.


Habitat- Giant Mansions with garages the size of Buckingham Palace.

School and Compulsory Education- Good or Bad? My analysis of the situation:



School, as we all know, is to give us an education and to train us up for the future when it comes to the world of work. An education is to teach us vital skills and various other bits of useless rubbish. It's a blessing! Or is it?...


However, I can prove compulsory schooling is a human rights abuse:

Compulsory schooling is technically compulsory labour. Slavery is also compulsory labour. Pupils don't get paid and neither do slaves. Slavery is an abuse of human rights. So, schools is forced and unpaid labour so therefore slavery and therefore a human rights abuse.

Q.E.D.


You just can't argue with THAT logic!

However university education (and 6th Form) is voluntary and so doesn't count.

The Human Race...my evaluation of it and various other inane comments of no apparent use or value...


Physiology:

The humans, the Latin name for this species is Homo Sapiens. It means "Wise Man", though that is a point currentlu up for debate, go figure. Humans come in a multitude of skin colours, though some people with brains the size of a pea think that one skin colour is better than another. Such idiots aren't worth the trouble of telling off. Also they come in two sexes, Male or Female. However some have ended up as both, but let's not go into details. Infant humans are often not toilet trained.


Behaviour:

Most humans are very badly behaved, especially the males, like me. A good deal often walk down to their local pub, get stone drunk and come back either in a taxi or a police car. Some females have been known to mimic the behaviour of males however, some call them tomboys, I call them plain irresponsible. Humans who abstain from the consumption of alchoholic beveradges, like me, are called teetotallers, or arrogant gits with no sense of fun.
Some human behaviour, including getting one's self utterly sozzled, is affect by our average lifespan. Though this is more than most species, many consider 80 years or so to be too short. Hence the "Life's short so I'll grab all I can before I die!" attitude. This leads to these notable human traits: Selfishness, arrogance, hate, fear, want, capitalism, rudeness, arson, crime, murder, religion, terrorism, gold rushes, war, anti-Greenpeace movements, spite, cruelty, fury, rage, anger, ruthlessness, torture, the monarchy, animal extinction and cinema hotdogs. Those of course, are the good points.
At the opposite end of the scale, are sucidal tendancies. This comes from realists who've accepted their fate, and have adopted a "Life's short, so let's just PUT ME OUT OF MY [CENSORED] MISERY WILL YOU!" attitude. The best way to do this is to shoot yourself in the head, vote Conservative in a Liberal Democrat community or jump off a really tall building. However religious fundamentalist crackpots say this is a sin. Ignore them.


So my evaluation of the human race: 3/10. Nature hates us and now she wants us to go. Let's listen to her shall we? I would. Afterall we wrecked the place so she should be angry.


I think I made myself clear.